First! Here it is folks. These are the top, the greatest, the best possible baby names of 2015. Prospective parents pay close attention. To clarify, these are not the most popular baby names, but they should be. These are the top baby names. Several, in fact most, are conditional. So now let’s dive in.

1. Cockhammer

For a boy.

2. Ponyface

For a girl, girls like ponies right? I don’t know that much about girls’ tastes. But I know they like Lisa Frank and there are ponies all over that stuff. They also have faces, girls, girls have faces too.

3. Megatron

Right?

4. Maybelline

Especially if she goes by May and her last name is Kashit.

5. Raymond

Especially if he goes by Ray and his last name is Puremuthers.

6. Jackson

Especially if his last name is Yurtos-Inabus.

7. Octopus

Only if he gets a PhD, or she.

8. Alexis

Especially if her middle name starts with A and her last name is Doodsname.

9. Taylor

Especially if her last name is Heads.

10. Supermurderfish

Only if they enter the undersea rap game.

11. Lessgan

It’s like a less needy Morgan.

12. Chloe

Especially if her last name is Zurlegs – Ismailit.

13. Allison

Especially if she goes by Alli and her last name is Natbutt.

14. Christina

Especially if her last name is Cracker.

15. Carbombaline

That girl can party!

16. Emma

It’s a cute name.

17. Casey

Especially if his last name is Jones. Turtle power.

18. Erin

Especially if their middle name starts with B and their last name is Tween.

19. Danyall

It’s like Daniel but doper.

20. Zack with a k

Because Zach is stupid. Don’t embarrass yourself.

21. Sonic the Hedgehog

The human.

22. Jame

You only need one.

23. Arthur

It’s a hero’s name.

24. Blue Ivy

Nah, I’m playin. Love you Jay but that name is dumb.

25. Benjamin

Especially if they like reggae and their last name is Widaboiz.

26. Brandon

Especially if their last name is Akow.

27. Ivan

Only if their last name is Brown and they become a psychologist. Then they’ll be cited as Brown, I.

28. E-Van

Like a digital Evan.

29. David

Especially if their middle name starts with an E and their last name is O’Yoopoo.

30. Henry

Especially if he goes by Hank. Hank is a good dude.

31. Mia

Especially if her last name is Caveman.

32. Jose

Unless he owns a lot of pussycats, could get messy.

33. Adam

But only if Nysass is his last name.

34. Muhammad

If it’s not broke…

35. Micah

Especially if his last name is Kizichy.

Honorable Mentions: Lillian (for a tiny boy), Cameron (If you’re last name is Okia it’s like a product placement), Samantha (if her last name is Dragon it sounds like the title of a straight to DVD Disney movie), Bonerhorse, Loser (lower expectations) and Batman.

by Zack Goncz

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