I recently hit my third decade. Dirty Thirty McGurdles, as the saying goes. Your first decade in life is spent trying not to poop your pants. Your second is spent being scared shitless in the face of the opposite sex. Your third decade on earth you’re balancing finding a career with intoxicants. But when you turn thirty you have the experience and maturity to ask the big questions, make the deep observations.
The following is a list of some of these questions and observations that have been on my mind recently.
- How do they know what a falcon is in the Star Wars universe? There are no falcons, or dogs, or earth animals at all. So how do they know what that is? Furthermore, the Millennium Falcon is not a make and model, it’s not like Chevy Cobalt or X-Wing or Tie Fighter, it’s a nickname Han Solo gave to his ship. Is Han Solo just the equivalent of a guy in the 70s with a jean jacket and a handlebar mustache leaning against a Dodge Charger outside of a high school telling a teenage girl, “Oh this, ya, she’s my ride. Her name’s Fuck Eagle!”
- If keeping it 100 is keeping it real, and a bae is a shorty, what is a fuckboy? I’ve tried looking it up. I’ve looked everywhere. Monster, Indeed, The Ladders, but nobody is hiring.
- If you take the word vigilant and you switch the I and the A you get the word vagilint, which sounds like an unfortunate side effect of cotton panties.
- People say YOLO, but I’m like fuck that, I’m tryna live twice. WWJD. He’s risen. He’s risen.
- Participation trophies had no impact on millennials, they were given out because baby boomer parents cannot accept responsibility for anything. Millennials universally understood them as an insult. Kids don’t call the coach or complain to the school board, parents did. Furthermore, we’re going to have to spend the rest of our lives cleaning up the mess that babyboomers made of this country.
- Making a celebrity game show host President, turns out, is not a good idea.
- Who farted?
- Other than the ability to find someone else’s private parts with your own private parts, there are literally no qualifications necessary for being a parent.
- It might be worth hiring a prostitute one time, just to have the opportunity to say, “Business doing pleasure with you.”
- In the history of America there has never been a cowboy from Nashville Tennessee. The entire identity of the south and country music today is actually the identity of the west 100 years ago. There are more cowboys from Colorado and South Dakota than Alabama and Georgia. Tennessee is in the mountains for God’s sake. This just goes to show, white people have begun culturally appropriating themselves. Cultural appropriation has become post-racial. What progressive times we live in.
- Who was the first guy to kill himself with a toaster? Was it a disgruntled electrician or just a guy who was inspired by some other clumsy fucker who loved eating waffles in the bathtub?
- If you tell someone, “Hey, nice hat.” when they aren’t wearing a hat they get very self-conscious about their hair.
- Farts are not funny. They are literally particles from inside someone’s asshole that are being put into your body. When you smell a fart, that’s your body telling you that asshole particles have surrounded you and have begun entering the holes in your body. That shit’s in your mouth!
- A gentlemen is always on bottom during 69. Also, wouldn’t 68 or 89 make more sense?
- Sometimes you can be too polite and end up in a situation where you have more than one girlfriend.
- Why do women often go to the bathroom in groups? Is it because they have short arms?
- Everything on the taco bell menu is the same thing. It is all made of the same ingredients. Meat stuff, cheese stuff, tomato cubes, and lettuce rectangles. The only thing that changes is how you hold it. The taco bell menu is a menu for your hands, not your taste buds.
- Has anyone ever wanted sticky keys to be on? Why does it exist? And if there is some reason, why is activating sticky keys done by holding down the shift key, the only key you would ever accidentally hold down for 5 seconds? Someone is fucking with me.
- Abs are for high schoolers.
- Vampires are just zombies that want to fuck you. It’s just undead contagious criminality. Zombies are cannibals who turn you into cannibals. Vampires are sexual assaulters who turn you into sexual assaulters.
- What happened to the Quakers? I feel like we’re all avoiding the question. There were a bunch, they had an impact on American history, and where’d they go? I feel like someday we’re going open Pennsylvania’s basement and find a mountain goofy-hatted skeletons.
- Are you really homeless if you own a car? I mean, what’s a home? An address or a roof?
- The best thing about ponies is how they get those wide-open, empty, lifeless eyes when they sleep … Oh my God I killed the horse.
- The word pretentious is actually in and of itself a pretentious sounding word. That’s kind of ironic, which come to think of it is also a pretentious sort of word. As we’ve already established, that too is pretentious. How ironic, which is pretentious, which is also pretentious, which is ironic, which is pretentious, which is pretentious, which is … ironic … is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic is pretentious is pretentious is ironic….
- The best strategy for dealing with sales people is to put your hand on your chin, look really concerned, and keep saying, “I don’t know.” Sales people use their social adeptness to manipulate you, so you must use social ineptness to manipulate them.
- No seriously, do you smell that? Somebody farted.
- Has a cat ever looked up to the sky and wondered what the stars are? What earth is? Where the sun comes from? What the cat itself is and how it got here? But was unable to communicate those thoughts to other cats, and so without the ability to educate other cats been doomed to have those insights buried in a shoebox in the backyard with the cat itself.
- Feet are gross, but they do good work.
- When someone says, “I hate people,” or “People are stupid,” I’m like, “Um, hello. My grandma is a person.” Ignorant.
- Who is J.D. Power? And who are these mysterious “associates” of his? They don’t have names? What are you hiding? All I know is people who make commercials really think I give a shit about his feelings on automobiles.
So that’s all of them. Did I miss anything?/
by Zack Goncz
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